Like this:

That is, if the Twitter updates I saw yesterday aren’t false and the Bears’ 2 p.m. press conference officially announcing the firing of Ron Turner, Harry Hiestand, Pep Hamilton, Rob Boras et al is actually being streamed on Comcast Chicago.

First of all, I’d like to point out that I’m awesome and correctly predicted all four guys. The et al indicates assistants Luke Butkus and Charles London.

2 p.m.: Ted Phillips says this has been the most frustrating year since he’s been here and blows smoke up the fans’ butts, much like the full-page ad they took out yesterday.

2:01 p.m.: Three years sans playoffs, says Phillips, and status quo will not do. It’s “a difficult decision” to let guys go who helped lead the Bears to a Super Bowl three years ago. Says continuity is important, hence keeping Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith.

2:03 p.m.: “In my opinion, when you have change … you’re bringin’ in new energy.”

2:04 p.m.: “There’s been many, many established coaches” with non-playoff stretches. Then proceeds to list the job descriptions of Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith. Thanks, Ted, wasn’t aware.

2:07 p.m.: “I think in the head coaching decision, Jerry Angelo’s input matters the most. … I think our structure has served us well. We’ve won with it and I think we’ll win with it again.” Sure, as long as you still have a job. And you always will ’cause the McCaskeys are just too lazy. “Money was a non-factor.” Sure it wasn’t.

2:09 p.m.: “We have the financial wherewithal to do what we did. … Over the last several weeks, I’ve had discussions with Jerry and Lovie.” Says keeping them is the best decision right now, said after much pressing that when he talks about “ownership,” he means Virginia and Michael, specifically. Seemed peeved that he had to go that far. How dare you question me?

2:12 p.m.: “Lovie and Jerry have a track record of having worked well together.” Just ask Michael Okwo, Dan Bazuin, Mark Bradley, oh Jordan my head hurts.

2:14 p.m.: “Nobody has been successful in this league year after year.” My head hurts with the number of examples I can come up with. Hell, even the Ravens have come up with better consistency than the Bears with just as bad a quarterback situation ’til Flacco came along.

2:17 p.m.: Writes off looming 2011 labor dispute as a year and a half away. “The lowest point for me, I’d say Cincinnati ’cause of the way we lost that game.” But then, he says, the ensuing few games made it just as bad.

2:19 p.m.: The questions are starting to piss Teddy boy off. “No, it has NOT crossed my mind that we’re rewarding mediocrity.” Please, someone ask him if that’s pomade or Axe styling gel in his hair.

2:21 p.m.: Ooh, David Haugh brings up Lovie’s “trust me” quote from the release of Ron Rivera. Haugh says, “Are you now saying [to] trust you?” “I said the status quo wasn’t acceptable. The changes we made are significant. We believe they will have an immediate impact.”

2:23 p.m.: Bring on Jerry!

2:24 p.m.: “Looking back, there isn’t anything I would have done differently.” Really? Really? Um, effing really? “And that’s not being obstinate.” No, it’s not at all.

2:26 p.m.: “Maybe I didn’t do as good a job evaluating talent.” No, really, you were great. We LOVE the Airese Currie draft pick. It was AWESOME.

2:28 p.m.: “Every game is important, irrelevant of where we are in the playoff hunt.” Well, if you discounted those games, three of Lovie’s six Decembers would just be out the window.

2:29 p.m.: Jerry says he won’t have to make too many phone calls to fill his vacancies, coaches will call seeking employment. Well, we are in a bad economy…

2:32 p.m.: “I don’t wanna get into the nitty gritty of why we did what we did. We did what we did because” it gives us the best chance to get better. So you don’t wanna tell us why you made the choices you made, we just have to trust you that you know best? Hoo boy, we’ve gone down this road before.

2:35 p.m.: Angelo keeps saying “irrelevant” when I’m sure he means “irrespective” or “regardless.” Maybe he scribbled “irregardless” on a napkin and someone told him it wasn’t a word.

2:36 p.m.: Ooh, Jerry getting snippy with David Haugh: “If you were held accountable on some of the opinions you give, you would have a crayon in your hand.”

2:37 p.m.: Writes off Devin Hester’s decline in the return game as “no one is a prolific returner throughout his career.” Completely dodges a question about anyone they’ve considered as a Turner replacement. “We do have some names.” Well good, I can sleep easier.

2:41 p.m.: Bring on Lovie: “First off, I’m excited to remain in my position.” If only that excitement were shared by, oh, any Bears fan.

2:43 p.m.: After making sure we know that he’s firing himself as well as Turner, Lovie jumps to the defense of the cover-2 scheme. “We just haven’t played it well.” Ah yes, blame the players. Way to go, Lovie!

2:44 p.m.: “We’re not happy with where we are. We realize it’s been three years since we went to the playoffs.” Oh good, he’s already snippy without having taken a question.

2:46 p.m.: Ooh, now he’s fallen into repetition. “We’re not the first team to struggle. We’re not happy with this season. I think we can be better next year.” Doesn’t matter the question, that’s the answer. Now he’s jumping to the performance of the past two weeks. You do realize one of those games was against the crappiest team of the past two years, right?

2:48 p.m.: “Every team in the league plays cover-2.” But not every single down. “New year, new ideas.” Oh, because you’ve had such a track record of being receptive to people who disagree with you.

2:51 p.m.: “Changing schemes and all of that, you have to stay with what you believe. … Why can’t we get back? And we can.” Now Mike Mulligan is asking about the consistent opponents’ 3rd and long conversions. Lovie responds that they’ve only been bad on 3rd down this year. You know, except for last year, too.

2:53 p.m.: “There were times that I said to myself, ‘I wish I had someone else in [the defensive coordinator's] role.’” Overwhelmed much?

2:55 p.m.: Lovie echoes Jerry’s sentiments that coaches will be glad to work for the Bears. “Do I have some people in mind? Sure, you always have people in mind.”

2:57 p.m.: “Rod has been a rock for me. A lot of places, the title ‘assistant head coach’ doesn’t mean much but here it means a lot.” Denies having offered the job and PR chief Scott Hagel cuts off a final yelling surge, giving Lovie the window to bail.

In the post-conference analysis, Jerry Azumah says he thinks the Bears, due to Lovie’s mention of “New year, new ideas,” will bring in a guy who has a different idea of what would be good on defense than Lovie does. Jim Miller says Mike Martz wouldn’t be the best option since he “likes to throw it all over the lot” and that’s not the best idea in Soldier Field in December. He suggests Charlie Weis (no WAY the McCaskeys will pay for that, I don’t think). As for defensive coordinator, after saying that a guy with new and different ideas will be brought in, Azumah suggests 2005 Bears defensive backs coach and fired Bills interim coach Perry Fewell would be a good idea. Because a guy who has been through both Lovie AND Dick Jauron is a good idea. Stay tuned. Should be about as exciting as a playoffless January can be.

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