Play-by-play of the NFC North loser’s bracket from a guy who bowled worse than his girlfriend last night

Current drive

And, as I tweeted last night, worse than my gimpy-legged father, too.

There isn’t much to be said about this game. If the Bears lose to the Lions, Lovie Smith should not only be fired, but also given a firm spanking in a public forum. And then he has to perform “I’m a Little Teapot.” Oh, and Jerry Angelo should be dangled by his underwear from one of the Hancock Tower spires.

If the Bears win, then just fire them and let them keep whatever dignity they have left. Then do the underwear-dangle thing to Matt Millen because the Lions will have lost 30 games in two seasons and it’s still pretty much that idiot’s fault. And yet, he’s still getting a paycheck from the NFL on their flagship network. Baffling.

Okay, time to tend to birthday wishes on the Facebooks, football soon.

FIRST QUARTER

Is there anything more awkward than Frank Caliendo doing… anything at all? I do not think that there is. Chris Myers is yanked from the sidelines into the booth and is alongside Trent Green, who we haven’t seen since the Bears “played” the Rams a few weeks back.

Devin Hester is back returning a kickoff for the first time since the season opener, the kick takes him over to the left sideline, he returns it straight ahead to the 20, Myers calls him Devin Harris in the course of the return, then Jay Cutler dumps over a pass rush to Matt Forte on the right side, Forte sidesteps a couple of would-be tacklers and gets shoved out of bounds a yard shy of the sticks. Three-step drop to Bennett on the right side gets the first, then Forte gets three into the left side of the line to the 38. Kahlil Bell in, and he gets the first down up the middle. Another swing pass, this time to the left to Forte and he gets another first down. Forte then loses a pair up the middle, after which Cutler delivers it just before getting blindsided to Devin Aromashodu squaring in off the right side at the sticks. On yet another first down, Cutler dumps off for a couple to Jason McKie over the middle. My sister: “These guys sound like Olympics announcers who don’t know anything about the sport.” Me: “Well, the play-by-play guy is normally a sideline reporter and the color commentator has had about 10 concussions.” Make it four yards to McKie, after which Cutler calls a timeout. From the Lions’ 26 with 10:02 left in the 1st quarter, Cutler steps up in the pocket and throws it exactly between Matt Forte and Greg Olsen on the right side. Forte was wide open right at the sticks and Cutler just overthrew him. The Lions then read a screen pass and Cutler throws it at Forte’s feet. Robbie Gould nails the 44-yarder.

Bears 3, Lions 0, 9:49 left in the 1st quarter

Kick returned just across the 20, and Daunte Culpepper goes under center at the 21 and hands off to Maurice Morris for five yards. Lions go no-huddle, Tommie Harris wraps up Culpepper’s legs on a 3-step drop, Culpepper stays upright long enough to throw it in the direction of his receiver to avoid a grounding call. On 3rd and 5, Culpepper and Calvin Johnson are not reading the same playbook. Culpepper’s deep pass up the right sideline hits Zack Bowman in stride and Johnson had squared out to the sideline about 15 yards earlier. Bowman gets a healthy return and the exact yardline of where the Bears take over will be discovered after ads.

From the Lions’ 40, Cutler goes for Hester up the right side, but William James is in step-for-step coverage and gets just enough of a hand on it to break up what would have been a touchdown. Forte then loses a yard up the middle. Cutler rolls right out of pressure, pump fakes and then throws it away. My dear Jordan, he actually pulled the ball down rather than force it across the middle of the field! He’s learnding! Punt caught fairly at the 11.

Maurice Morris breaks up the middle and gets the first down to the 27, gets a pair up the middle and then gets a yard shy of the sticks on a screen left. Trent Green says, with second-year running back Kevin Johnson out, that this is a good opportunity for the Lions to get a look at their “young guys.” You know, because a veteran backup to your second-year running back is a young guy. A dude runs onto the field and Myers suggests that they punish him by sticking him outside in the freezing temps. If the Lions weren’t a gigantic fraidy-cat organization, they’d be playing outdoors like NFC North teams are supposed to. Run up the middle loses a pair and Hester catches the punt fairly around the Bears’ 12 or 13, great punt.

Forte goes off right guard and is tripped up at the line, stays on his feet long enough to get four. Forte again, he’s met in the backfield, he cuts back right to get away from it and gets three around right end. Forte then motions from the backfield into the right slot, Cutler hits him on a slant but throws it slightly behind Forte, and Forte can’t make the adjustment that a regular receiver probably could make. Punt goes off the side of Maynard’s foot and wobbles out of bounds at the Bears’ 48.

Culpepper has time but it’s because someone was holding. A first down pass to the 35 is negated. Jennifer Hammond is the sideline reporter. Never seen her before. Fox breaking out the Z-team in all ways. Pitch left to Morris and he gets three or four. Pass to Johnson on the right side gets a first down to the 32, Morris gets six to the left side, then a pass to backup running back Aaron Brown gets a pair to bring up 3rd and 2 from the 24. From teh shotgun, Culpepper has time and throws too low for Bryant Johnson cutting back on the left hashes. Jason Hanson will attempt not to break a hip. He succeeds in both keeping his hip healthy and in nailing the 42-yard field goal.

Bears 3, Lions 3, 1:01 left in the 1st quarter

Hester takes it on the right side, returns it up the middle to the 20, finds a seam to the left, sheds a tackler and doesn’t get brought down until he’s across the 45. Jamar Williams limps off the field. From the 46, Bell takes it across midfield for five yards up the middle. Bell again, this time into the left side of the line and he gets three and that’s the quarter.

Bears 3, Lions 3

SECOND QUARTER

Cutler rolls right and hits Greg Olsen in the right flat and they’ll just give him the first down. With single-back, two tight ends, Cutler dumps one beautifully into Olsen in the cover-2 cushion on the left side and Olsen gets to the left sideline and up to the 10 before getting shoved out. A run gets nothing, then a pass is skipped to Earl Bennett on the left side. On 3rd and goal from the 10, Cutler hits a leaping Aromashodu slanting from the right slot into the end zone and it bounces off his arms. Gould nails the field goal.

Bears 6, Lions 3, 12:58 left in the half

Return gets to the 30, from where Morris heads into the left side of the line for four yards. End around to Aaron Brown coming from the right side to left, Nick Roach over-pursued and has to break out after him. Brown isn’t covered up until he has the first down across the 45. End-around to Brown, this time to the other side of the field, but Roach reads it earlier this time and drops him after a gain of four at midfield. Calvin Johnson starts falsely, 2nd and 11 from the 45. Culpepper does a pump-fake and then hands off to Morris and he breaks off the right guard for a large chunk of yards, but it’s erased because he would have been dropped for a loss had Tommie Harris not been tackled by the lead blocker. Culpepper then scrambles forward for about five on 2nd and forever, the Bears tee off on him on 3rd and 16, he rolls right, comes back toward the middle for tight end Will Heller and it’s dropped shy of the marker. Heller is called for pass interference, but the Bears will take the punt. It bounces into the end zone for a touchback.

Forte up the middle for five, then stuffed for no gain into the right side of the line. A false start then drops the Bears back to 3rd and 10. Cutler then shows absolutely Rexian pocket awareness, getting the ball slapped away and Olsen falls on it at the 15. Maynard’s punt gets just across midfield, from where Dennis Northcutt returns it to the Bears’ 40. Not a good day for Maynard.

Make it the 42, from where Anthony Adams breaks through the line and drops Morris for a loss of two. Culpepper then dumps off to Morris and he gets dropped just shy of the sticks. Culpepper keeps it and gets the first down. From the Bears’ 31, the Lions easily pick up a blitz and Culpepper dumps off over the middle and that gets another first down for the Lions. A run gets not much and Nathan Vasher is down. Why not? Who needs a secondary anyway? Not like they’ve played all that well so far. Roach also injured and walks off the field. Jamar Williams, who was hurt earlier, is in for Roach. Looks like Bowman and Corey Graham as the corners. Quick pass over the middle to Bryant Johnson brings up 3rd and 5 and Green says he wants Detroit to take a shot at Calvin Johnson. They go to Bryant instead of Calvin, running a slant-and-go over the middle and Culpepper hits him in the front of the end zone for Detroit’s first lead of the game.

Lions 10, Bears 6, 2:59 left in the half

Hester’s return goes up the middle to the 24, then Cutler hits Aromashodu on the left side for eight followed by Desmond Clark on the right hashes for the first down. Ye be warned of two minutes remaining. Cutler then steps up in the pocket and fires up the right seam to a leaping Olsen at the Lions’ 42 for another first down. Quick-out to Aromashodu out of the left slot and he gets leveled by Ernie Sims after four yards. Flag flies at 1:08, false start on Frank Omiyale, everyone’s favorite lineman. So Aromashodu got five, not four, so this is 2nd and 10 after the false start, Cutler slides left and throws to no one in particular. Replay from the end zone camera shows that maybe he was aiming for Olsen but he sailed him by a ton. Next pass is spot on to Earl Bennett on the right side for a first down, and he gets flattened after gaining a few extra down to the 25. Timeout with :54 left. Cutler rolls right, steps up out of pressure and fires on the run to Hester at the 13, and he dives forward to the 11. Cutler hits Bennett just off right end for about five and the Bears call their last timeout with :20. Cutler tries to hit Olsen fading to the back right corner of the end zone but doesn’t get enough air under it and William James breaks off coverage of Forte underneath to deflect the pass. Lions call timeout with :15 left before the Bears attempt 3rd and 5 from the 6. Lions rush three and drop eight but Cutler finds Olsen in the front of the end zone running a hitch off of right end. Olsen lunges and makes a good catch for the touchdown. Gould nails the PAT.

Bears 13, Lions 10, :11 left in the half

Kick returned to the 15 and Culpepper kneels to the sound of boos. You know, because a Hail Mary from your own 15 with :07 left is a good idea.

Halftime: Bears 13, Lions 10

Halftime thoughts: Hey, the Bears are beating the worst franchise in the NFL. Huzzah. Brad Biggs tweets that Greg Olsen’s eighth touchdown catch of the season, which was that one just now, is the most touchdown catches for a Bears player since Marty Booker’s eight in 2001. So the Bears don’t have a good passing game. I’m not surprised at all.

THIRD QUARTER

Kick goes a yard deep around the right hashes, returned to the 23, from where Morris breaks off left tackle for the first down across the 35. Pocket collapses around Culpepper and he’s dropped for a loss of five. From the 32, Mark Anderson hits Culpepper trying to roll right out of pressure and Culpepper’s dump-off attempt is dropped by the running back. Again a dump-off and Culpepper hits Morris for about five, from where Lance Briggs does not miss a 1-on-1 tackle because that’s not something he does. The Lions fake a punt and I have no idea how they did it because the camera angle was behind the punter and the camera man was confused. Anyway, the Bears pick it up and drop it for hardly any gain.

From the Lions’ 39, a three-step drop to Bennett is incomplete, then Forte bursts through the right side of the line for nine yards. On 3rd and a long 1, Forte bowls over a few guys for six or so to the 23, from where he gets nothing up the middle. Cutler rolls left, stops short of a guy about to light him up and almost throws interception No. 27. Safety Louis Delmas drops it. Cutler then hits Hester on the bubble screen right and the blocking actually holds up and Hester gets a first down and goes out of bounds at the 9. Cutler then hits Aromashodu slanting from the right slot for a touchdown and the PAT is good.

Bears 20, Lions 10, 10:05 left in the 3rd quarter

Derrick Williams finds a seam and breaks through it at the 20, but the seam closes quickly and he’s down at the 35. Culpepper on a five-step drop and throws to no one in particular. Morris gets swarmed after a gain of two and then the pocket collapses on Culpepper, he escapes a couple of times and is finally brought down by Alex Brown back at the 30. Hester takes the punt at the Bears’ 26 and does a couple of spin moves for two whole yards.

Olin Kreutz holds on a Forte first-down run. The Bears then call their first timeout with 8:12 left in the 3rd quarter. From the 18, Cutler slides right out of pressure, scrambles forward for five and slides down. On 2nd and 15, Forte is the lone back and he gets a yard into the left side of the line. Cutler tries to set up a screen left to Forte but the offensive line does that thing where they don’t block for Forte and he only gets about two or three. Punt goes inside the Lions’ 30 and Northcutt is unceremoniously dropped right there with 6:01 left in the third quarter.

Handoff to Morris with a decoy end around and Morris gets four off left tackle. Morris is then stood up for no gain, possibly a loss of one. Culpepper has time and Calvin Johnson squaring out underneath Zack Bowman and Johnson makes a nice leaping catch on a crappy throw by Culpepper for the first down. Culpepper to Johnson again, this time on a play fake, and Johnson makes the catch at the left hashes at the Bears’ 42 and gets a few more to the 38. Checkdown over the middle gets eight. Morris gets stuffed for no gain up the middle, then they try to set up a screen right to Aaron Brown, but Jamar Williams does a great job reading it and drops him for no gain. Jason Hanson again succeeds both in not breaking his hip and in hitting the field goal, this one from 48 yards.

Bears 20, Lions 13, 1:50 left in the 3rd quarter

A hold on the return by Adrian Peterson sets the Bears up at the 15. Play fake and the pocket collapses on Cutler, he steps up and fires deep for Aromashodu but someone clipped his arm and the pass falls about five yards short. Bell then breaks up the middle for a first down plus one to the 26. Play fake again fails to buy Cutler any time, and this time he has to cover up and is sacked for a loss of three. Bell goes off left tackle to get two of those three back, 3rd and 11 from the Bears’ 25 and that will be the first play of the final quarter of this incredibly annoying Bears’ season.

Bears 20, Lions 13

FOURTH QUARTER

Pressure, Cutler rolls right and throws it away. Glad we waited for that. Maynard’s punt is caught fairly at the Bears’ 41.

Culpepper with another crappy throw and Calvin Johnson with another fantastic catch for a first down on the right sideline. Five yards somehow, followed by Morris getting blown up on the left side but he just gets the reverse off to Johnson and he manages to turn the corner and gain three or four. That was a good job by Morris to get the toss off to Johnson and then Johnson just did that thing where he’s really good. But then tight end Jake Nordin starts falsely to turn 3rd and inches into 3rd and 5. Culpepper then scrambles forward and trips over himself three yards shy of the sticks. The Lions go for it and Culpepper hits a leaping Johnson squaring in off the right side at the 21 for the first down. Culpepper hits Bryant Johnson this time, on the left side shy of the sticks but he gets the first down with his legs and to the 9 for first and goal. Aaron Brown carries it up the middle for five. Culpepper throws a fade to Calvin Johnson on the right sideline in the end zone and Johnson just abuses Zack Bowman for the touchdown. Shades of 2001 and Culpepper-to-Moss. Took the Lions long enough to realize Charles Tillman isn’t playing today.

Bears 20, Lions 20, 9:3morethan3 left in the game

Hester is taken back into the end zone, decides to return it out and is tripped up at the 15. Make it shy of the 15 at the 13, from where Forte gets five running behind Frank Omiyale. I didn’t know that was possible. I know it’s possible to lose five because of him. Cutler rolls right out of pressure, checks down high to Forte in the right flat and he can’t make the reaching catch, 3rd and 5. Cutler steps up in the collapsing pocket and fires over the middle to a wide open Hester running a deep post from the right side at the Lions’ 40, and he slips and is dragged down inside the 35 by William James. Cutler then has time on a play fake and finds Olsen in the cover-2 cushion on the right side at the 5 and Olsen is dragged out at the 3. Forte gets a couple and a flag flies. It’s holding on the Lions. The Lions completely bite on a play fake and Cutler finds Desmond Clark standing all alone in the the back of the end zone. The screen didn’t catch him at first, and Kellen Davis was also standing by himself in the front of the end zone, and my sister, father and girlfriend all thought Cutler just horrendously missed Davis. I suppose if I were watching out of both eyes and not keeping one on the screen, I’d agree. PAT good.

Bears 27, Lions 20, 7:20 left in the game

Return dropped at the 27, from where Culpepper checks down to Morris and Lance Briggs wraps him up at the 35. Morris gets the first down around left end to the 40. Culpepper checks down to fullback Jerome Felton, Briggs closes on him but falls over and Felton takes off into Bears territory and doesn’t get dragged down until the 36. Zack Bowman gets called for delay of game, not encroachment, which is odd, but as Green said, either way it’s a five-yard penalty. First down for Morris or Brown, missed which one, and then Culpepper tries to force it in to a double-covered Johnson in the middle of the end zone but underthrows it and Bowman drops the interception. On 2nd and 10 from the 14, Culpepper sails a fade to Northcutt on the right side of the end zone. Culpepper calls the Lions’ first timeout with 4:48 left to decide what they’ll try on 3rd and 10. They’ll decide to let the pocket collapse, Culpepper rolls right and fires to a leaping Calvin Johnson in the back of the end zone but it was just over his fingertips. Culpepper is not very good at throwing the ball to Johnson. Hanson nails the chip shot.

Bears 27, Lions 23, 4:38 left in the game

Hester again takes it out of the end zone and is again tripped up around the 15-yard line. Make it the 15 exactly, from where Forte gets four yards. The Lions again hold on defense on a run. This is what happens when you suck. The Bears now have 1st and 10 from the 24, from where Forte gets to the 30 off left guard. Forte gets a hole off left tackle and heads for the sideline into Lions territory, stops and cuts back toward the middle of the field and isn’t dragged down until he’s inside the Lions’ 20. The Lions are forced to burn their second timeout with 3:27 left. Forte gets a couple up the middle and Jason McKie is down and hobbles off the field favoring his left leg. Forte comes out as well with 3:23 left, and Cutler hands off to Bell up the middle and he gets about three and the Lions call their final timeout with 3:02 left and the Bears with the ball on the Lions’ 12 facing 3rd and 5. Cutler on a designed rollout right and he fires to a sliding Aromashodu rolling with him in the end zone. PAT good.

Bears 34, Lions 23, 2:57 left in the season

Tim Shaw, who has made 7½ buttloads worth of tackles on special teams since he started playing regularly, strips the return man of the ball and the Bears recover. Because the Lions needed to prove that they still own the division’s full complement of suck. Couple of runs to Bell bring us to the warning. Another run to Bell brings up 4th and 2. Don’t see why they should do anything but go for it. The Bears let the clock wind down and call their final timeout with 1:13 left. Well, they’d rather run up the score. Gould nails the chip shot.

Bears 37, Lions 23, 1:09 left in the season

Brown breaks through a seam up the middle, gets over to the left side, makes a cut around midfield and is finally dragged down at the Bears’ 38. Culpepper takes a shot at the end zone and Craig Steltz drops the interception. Pass underneath gets seven, then a square-in gets the first down and Culpepper spikes it with :17 left. Throwaway is followed by Culpepper hitting Will Heller over the middle and they can’t get to the line soon enough and that’s the season. Some shoving happens but that’s it.

Final: Bears 37, Lions 23

Final thoughts: I’m going to celebrate mine and my mother’s birthday at some kind of fancy dinner that no one is telling either of us about. Lovie Smith will be fired sometime, unless he isn’t, in which case the Bears are just begging for bad PR. I’ll be better about the blog in the new year, I promise, and I may blog the Bulls’ King Day game at Golden State. Otherwise, next liveblog will be Opening Day but I will continue posting about the ridiculousness that is Chicago sports til then. Ugh. 7-9 again.

Advertisement